


Subtle Metamorphosis

by Krs_Tea



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 22:15:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 21,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8344819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krs_Tea/pseuds/Krs_Tea
Summary: Mira is a Dalish elf who is now a key member of the Inquisition.  She is strong, brave, honorable and terrified out of her mind that she will not have what is needed to save the world, all the while her feelings towards Cullen grow.  Romance is not the distraction she wants, but might be exactly what she needs.Chapters with explicit content will say so in the chapter notes and will have the following, **********---********** prior to it starting, and after it is completed.





	1. Earnest introductions

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Transfigurations](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5444456) by [NicePumpkinSpice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicePumpkinSpice/pseuds/NicePumpkinSpice). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited 8/18/19

The elf named Mira stood at the table. Her hands rested on the table as she overlooked the map. Her red hair was pulled into a bun near her right ear and she pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. She shifted her body and looked at Cullen as he walked in. She let raised her lips into a tight smile, clearly displaying her nerves.   Cullen returned it with a slight nod of his head.

Cullen moved across the table to be facing across from her. He set down the documents in his hands and turned his head down but looked at her through his eyelashes. She had grabbed a marker for the table from the side and was turning it around in her hand, rubbing the top with her thumb. The shirt she had on had on was wrinkled and had a rip on the shoulder with bloodstains.   Her pants had demon ichor in two lines across her pants, clinging from what Cullen assumed was cleaning her blades.    

Cassandra walked with determination as she strolled passed Cullen and Mira into the room, her normal ware of arrogance surrounding her, with Josephine and Leliana close on her heels. Cassandra took up her post and Mira set down the piece.

“Mira I am glad to see you are awake.” Casandra said.

“Your concern about the fear that the mark I was forced to continue to use to the brink of death is appreciated.” Mira spoke kindly.

Cullen averted his eyes as he thought to the moments before the breach had stopped expanding. Mira with Cassandra had battled their way to the front. As he saw her move it had been hard to believe she had been locked up as their prisoner moments prior. Still Mira had fought along side them, putting her faith in them. She had moved with speed and was adept with her blades. It was when they made it to the breach Solas had told her to hold her hand up. Cullen had not been present but he could hear the screams from further down, and the reports he read later gave a gruesome account. Solas and Cassandra continued to hold Mira’s arm.   The pain had become overwhelming and it enveloped them. Mira screamed as she attempted to remove her arm but Cassandra kept her in place. Finally the screams abated and Mira’s body hung limp. They carried her back down, and paced her into a room where she hadn’t stirred for 3 days. It was clear to Cullen that Mira was furious at what had occurred.

“Commander Cullen, Leader of the Inquisitions Forces” Cassandra said motioning to the single male in the room, clearly ignoring the terse response from Mira. She swept her hand across to the clearly Antivian woman. “Lady Josephine, our ambassador.”

“Andaran Atish’an” Lady Josephine said with a sly smile.

“You speak Elven?”   Mira’s voice had clear enthusiasm in it.

“I’m afraid you have heard the entirety of it.” Josephine responded softly. Mira made a face of frustration. Many nobles learned a phrase or two of Elven to show they were more of the people, something that clearly bothered Mira as much as it did Cullen.

“And you have already met Sister Leliana, our spymaster.” Cassandra continued ignoring the temperature of the room.   Mira shifted her weight and lifted her ankle up and began to roll it in the air.

“We need support.” Cassandra stated. “We lost support from the chantry members located here in Haven but we can still gain support in the Chantry.”

“What are you thinking?” Josephine asked.

“Mother Giselle is located out in the Hinterlands. We need to send the Herald of Andraste there to discuss the inquisition and show our intentions are to close the breach.”

“Herald of Andraste?” Mira asked focusing her gaze on Cassandra.

“You.” Cassandra said not looking up from the map as she was making marks to determine the time required for travel.

“People are desperate for hope and they heard of what you did to stop the breach from growing. They have heard of the lady seen in the light and believe it to be Andraste. People believe you are the hope they need sent from the Maker.” Josephine explained as she began to write on her own board.   Mira looked down at her marked hand and began to subconsciously rub it with her other hand.

“It’s not true,” Everyone looked up at Mira although her eyes were still cast down to her marked hand. “I don’t want to deceive people, or give them false hope. I am just an elf, and I don’t know what happened.”

“Whether or not you believe it, it is what people need.” Leliana responded. “Travel down to the hinterlands and speak with Mother Giselle. Get her support, we do need it.”

“Alright.” Mira looked up and saw Cullen staring at her. Their eyes met and the held each other’s gaze for a moment before Cullen looked away. His hand went to the back of his neck as he reached for a stack of papers. “Hinterlands it is. I’ll leave first thing in the morning.”


	2. Gazes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter updated on 8/17/2019

The exhaustion Mira felt was to her core. Every part of her felt as though it were ready to collapse at any moment. Each step felt as though her leg would not return up for the next step. The crunch of the grass against her boots amplified the monotonous feeling that had accumulated in a headache in the front of her head. The throbbing had been present since that morning when she had awoken alone. She had left the day before to regain the pack. The pack that was all she had left of her old life as a member of her elven clan. She had felt an irrefutable need to reclaim that small portion of whom she had been. She had left with just a note left behind. She had found her pack gently tucked in the nook created between a branch and the trunk of the tree. As she pulled it down she felt a sense of familiarity that she was well aware would never return.

Her life had changed immensely since she awoke with no memory. While the feeling of being alone had not been new, the vast amount of people constantly around was fundamentally overwhelming. There was always someone or something that needed her attention. A constant barrage of demands from those who prior wouldn’t have given her a second look. Those that would have averted their gaze, and under their breath about how the Dalish should keep to themselves.

She moved to sit down on a log near a tree and she could feel her knees crack. Her muscles were shaking lightly. She pulled her bag in front of her legs and pulled out a small bag of nuts. The crunch was refreshing sound and the sensation of eating was more pleasing than she had anticipated.

She heard the sound of footsteps and stood silently pulling her daggers from her sheaths. She crouched down behind the tree lowering her height to midlevel; a standard that anyone who has spent time as a spy knew they should avoid eyelevel. She moved behind the tree, off path to hide behind the next tree closer to the noises. Her muscles aching from lack of sleep strained under her weight. She looked around the tree to see a young boy no older than 14 with a bow cocked and ready. His youth didn’t dissuade her from caution. She had spent too long acting as an informant for the Dalish to trust someone because of their apparent age.

He passed her location without noticing her presence. Once his back was to her she stepped out onto the path. She placed her dagger to his back with enough pressure that he froze in place. “Who are you?” She kept her voice low and leaned forward when she spoke so he could hear.

“I am Lubin Schott son of Romilde.” Lubin had released the bow string and had taken the arrow from the rest. Mira was so close she could hear Lubin’s ragged breath.

“Lubin, what are you doing out here?” She kept her knife pressed to his back and moved her free left hand so the blade was parallel down her forearm.

“I was hunting.” Lubin responded quickly. Mira pressed the blade against his back. There was something that was off about his story.

“What were you doing out here?” Mira’s voice was resolute.

“I heard there were wolves out here, I thought if I were to rid Haven of the wolves Commander Cullen would let me enroll in the Inquisition.” Lubin’s voice sounded shaky. “Will you let me go?”

“Throw down your bow and arrow.” There was brief hesitation before Lubin complied and she removed her dagger from pressing on his back.   She moved it to same position as her left one, poised and ready in case Lubin’s story changed. “Why won’t Cullen accept your enlistment?” Hearing his name instead of title on her lips sounded strange. She wasn’t sure why it had come out, but she was unyielding in her stance, refusing to show her thoughts.

“I’m not clear why the Commander...” The young boy turned to face her and silence overtook him when his eyes caught hers. There was a moment of silence and Mira tightened her grip on her daggers grateful she hadn’t sheathed them. She shifted her weight slightly ready for an attack. She was however not ready for Lubin to drop to his knees. “Herald of Andraste!”

“What is wrong?” Mira was taken off guard. His voice sounded a full of fear.

“I just never thought that I would meet you. I just can’t believe it is you.” Lubin lowered his head and raised it slowly to look up at her. “My mother fought to help close the initial rift. She died, in that battle. She had told me that when the world is falling apart you must fight to keep it together. She would have been honored if she had been able to meet you.”

“Your mother sounds like a heroic woman.” Mira moved her daggers finally into her sheath. “Let us return to Haven.”

Lubin rose to his feet. He grabbed his bow and returned the arrow to the quiver and joined her in walking. Mira let out a light sigh, so much for her quiet walk back to Haven.

\---…---

Mira parted from Lubin with a firm handshake when they made it back to the fort. For a brief moment she contemplated returning straight to her room and finding the reprieve of sleep.   Her body was beginning to shake from exhaustion, but she had learned young to address issues immediately. With a new resolve she moved towards the noise of swords clashing.

She looked up from the ground and saw the commander in line next two soldiers. He stepped between them and they stopped their practice movements. The commander raised one of the soldier’s shield arm higher, and pushed the other’s shoulder back to make a wider arc with his sword. She could see his lips move, and could even see the shine of his scar, but was too far to hear. Her heart leapt as she noticed the subtle movements of his lips.

“How goes the training Commander?” Mira called pushing her focus onto the task at hand and not his sensual lips. Cullen turned abruptly unaware of her approach.

“Herald,” He let out a small smile, but quickly suppressed it. Cullen let out a light cough before continuing. “Most of the recruits join us from Haven, although we are beginning to see pilgrims as well. Although none made quite the entrance you did.”

“I once was told I do like attention.” Mira responded with a chuckle, and Cullen gave a smirk. “So, Commander, what about your entrance to the inquisition?”

“I was a Templar when Cassandra recruited me. She was looking for a way to end the Mage rebellion. I left the Kirkwall and joined. When the breach appeared we knew it was a new threat.” Cullen looked towards the sky and the two stared at the glowing green tear in the sky. As his attention was elsewhere engaged Mira took the opportunity to review him. A lock of blonde hair had become loose from his neat pushed back hair. He looked as tired as she felt and she became concerned for him, he should really get some rest, things had only just begun. She felt her breath get caught in her throat as her eyes began to rest on his lips. She found herself wondering how soft those lips were, and just how tender it would feel against her own. He turned his head and she quickly darted her eyes away feeling heat rise in her cheeks. “I’m sure this isn’t what you came to speak to me about.”

“No, but I did enjoy it nonetheless.” Her mouth felt dry the moment she said it and the Cullen chuckled. Her left hand began to rub her marked right hand. She noticed his eyes fall down to her hands, was there a note of pity in there. “I was walking back through the woods and I met a young boy who mentioned his desire to enlist into your forces.”

“Ah, I believe I know the boy you speak of.” Cullen looked away again back to the scar in the sky. “He is too young. It would be heartless to bring him into the forces.”

“Yes, it would be heartless.” Her voice was curt, returning the contempt that had been dripping from his voice. “As it would be to let him continue hunting wolves alone believing that it would change your mind to his ability to enroll.”

“He was out hunting wolves?” Cullen returned his look to him. It was clear he was caught off guard.

“I would like you to make him a messenger. He can run messages from the outpost for you and Rylen. His knowledge of the area would serve him well.” Mira paused for a moment. “Have him run through some training routines, and offer him the role but please do not mention me. Consider it a favor to me.”

“Uh...well...yes.” The idea was so clear to Cullen now, he couldn’t help but stutter though his response, surprised that he hadn’t thought of it himself. A messenger is a low risk position that would keep the boy relatively safe. It would stop him from trying to prove himself, and they would be able to train him properly. He was surprised by her ingenuity and for the first time since he had met her he truly looked at her. She had a small frame that was common among the elves and her red hair was tied back in a knot at the base of her neck below her right ear. Snaking out from behind her hair was her Dalish tattoo curling around her ear and further onto her neck. Unlike most Dalish her tattoo was very understated, and most of it was hidden behind her ear. It was truly a interesting tattoo, but it was her eyes that kept him staring. Her eyes were a bright violet that reminded him of magic, except instead of being apprehensive about the magically quality of her eyes he was drawn to it, like a moth to a flame.

“Thank you Commander. Now if you will excuse me, I will be on my way.” She nodded her head and turned to walk away. His hand went to his neck as he watched her tunic become tight as she stretched her arms as she continued away. He let out a sigh and turned back to his recruits, he hadn’t felt that way since his time guarding the circle. His pushed the thought out of his mind; he wouldn’t let himself give in this time.


	3. Chancellor Roderick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Although they are working together the Mages and ex-Templars that have already joined the inquisition haven't let go of their prejudices. Chancellor Roderick has no problem pointing out any problems amongst the group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter edited on 8/18/18

It had been a nice silent day for Mira. She had been speaking with the requisition captain when she heard the voices rising. It had sounded like an incoherent amount of babel from where she was but the tense nature of it was easily discernable. She looked to the requisition captain who seemed to understand as Mira excused herself from their conversation. Mira began to move towards the door to the chapel to better understand what was going on.

As she approached she saw the clear divide of mages and Templars. The lead Templar’s face was covered with distain. “Your kind killed the most holy.”

“Lies—Your kind let her die.” The mage at the front of the pack retorted. The mage took another step forward pointing at the Templar with his staff.

“Shut your mouth, Mage!” The Templar spat the word mage back at him as he knocked aside his staff.  

“Enough!” Cullen interrupted the two stepping between them.

“What is the meaning of this?” She shouted.

“Herald,” The mage looked away.

“Knight Captain.” The Templar looked down as he stood at attention in front of Cullen.

“That is not my title. We are _NOT_ Templars any longer. We are all part of the Inquisition!” Cullen’s voice was firm. Mira stepped closer next to Cullen and pushed her shoulders back. A subtle motion that Cullen noticed from the corner of his eye.

“Have you forgotten that we all fight for the inquisition? Have you forgotten the breach in the sky? Have you forgotten every person in Thedas that needs us to protect them?” Mira’s voice was stern and strong. She presented herself with an air of confidence that the title of Herald of Andraste should hold, but was surprised at her ability to do so. The group surrounding them all looked away.

“And what does that mean exactly?” Chancellor Roderick chimed in as he strolled through the crowd. A few clapped for him as he walked by. “I’m curious how you, Commander, and you, ‘Herald’, will restore order as you’ve promised.”

“I am curious as to how the Chantry can sit in a room debating the new divine as people are dying.” Mira’s voice came cold. She approached the chancellor as he backed away. “You sit debating about who should be the new most holy among the groups of clerics who were not important enough to be at the Conclave to begin with? You stroll through pretending to care about the people you are abandoning.”

“Then who should, the rebel Inquisition and the Herald of Andraste? With claims to know the maker’s will through a peasant elf.” The way he spoke Mira could tell he had meant the title as an insult to her.

“The Inquisition claims only that we must close the Breach or Perish.” Cullen stood tall against the aging small man.

“We are acting and protecting the people you are choosing to turn away from while you sit in your safe room debating who’s colors will clash least with the Divine’s robes.” Mira’s voice had never sounded so cold. Cullen made a mental note to try and not upset her in such a manner.

“I…” Chancellor Roderick began to stammer before closing his mouth. “History will tell whether your actions should have required more debate.”

“I don’t anticipate any of you will let history be kind to me, as the Chantry has already allowed for the mockery and enslavement of my people in its history.” Mira’s voice was steady which only made the words that much worse. The Chancellor turned walking away indignant.

“Back to work.” Cullen ordered to the already dispersing crowd. “I don’t very much care for him.” Cullen muttered to Mira.

“Here I thought you two were best friends.” Mira smirked over towards Cullen. He found himself chuckling in spite of himself. “Hopefully I didn’t make your next sleepover too uncomfortable.”

Cullen let out a hearty laugh. “Fair enough, Herald, fair enough. I yield.” He put his hands up in mock surrender. “Thank you. I’ve been wanting to say something to him for awhile, but…”

“But your position leaves you with a need of diplomacy.” Mira interjected before Cullen could finish his thought. He chuckled again folding his arms taking her in. In every scenario she had surprised him.   Mira walked towards Cullen and paused in front of him. “The only good thing about being thrust into the position of ‘Herald’, as well as an elf in a human world, is that people are more tolerable of a slight lack of diplomacy.”  

Cullen thought back to their initial conversations after the breach’s expansion had been halted.   Her curt responses to Cassandra seemed more impressive now that he knew she had taken it into consideration the allowances they would naturally allow her. Cullen smiled at the intelligent elf in front of him. “So if you are ever non-diplomatic towards me I’ll know it is not a lack of manners.”

“Oh Commander, I wouldn’t dream of it.” She smiled and mockingly flared her wrists and grabbed an invisible skirt. With a large flourish she lifted the invisible skirts far too high and bent low in a dramatic courtesy. She flipped her wrist around in circles as she brought it to her forehead and moved her head back. “Now Commander I must beg your leave for I have grown so weary.”

With her dramatics completed she began to walk away while Cullen continued to laugh and shake his head watching her leave. As she strolled away the sway of her hips caught his eye, and his eyes lingered a little too long on her hips. He began to think of how she would look without her armor and he could feel his member begin to swell. He tried to put the images of Mira he had conjured up out of his head. _No_ , He thought to himself. _She is the Herald. I am the commander. Her interest is in the troops, nothing more._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that the chapters have been short. I'm going to try to make the next one a bit longer. :) Thanks again to everyone!


	4. Drink it in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter was edited on 8/18/18

Mira sat alone in her room at the table she had been using as her desk, her hair cascading down around her face. She sat staring at a report about the Templars movement pattern and was attempting to correlate the expected weather of the upcoming weeks to predict their movement. She turned around to look at the map pinned to the wall, trying to remember the names of all the areas prescribed by the Shem. She pushed her hair back, and her head was beginning ache.

She pressed her eyes into the fleshy part of her palm. It was moments that she felt overwhelmed. Desperately she wanted to quit all of this, but then again how many times had she thought that back with her clan. Despite her desire for respite from responsibility, it was too ingrained in her to improve the world around her she would never be able to forsake even the smallest amount of responsibility once thrust upon her.

She reached for the report off her desk and turned the page and there she saw his name, Cullen. Signed with a flourish, while typical for him, always struck her as out of character. She smiled at it and traced the letters with her forefinger. Mira had been avoiding him since their last talk about Chancellor Roderick. Outside of the war council meetings she hadn’t seen him. There was something about him that made her forget about who she was and her responsibilities. That smile, his half-cocked eyebrow when he thinks something is funny, followed by his hand moving to his neck. The thought of him now caused her heart begin to beat and her nether began to yearn.

She closed her eyes feeding into the thoughts momentarily of him. Mira smiled to herself thinking of his blond hair and trying to imagine his voice. “Herald?”

Instantly she opened her eyes to see Cullen standing in her doorframe. Her heart began pounding, but with pure anxiety, fearful that somehow Cullen would know what was going on in her head.   “Uh...Commander, is it time for our meeting already?”

“Yes, we need to go over the troop movements, determine the best course of action” Cullen’s arms were full of reports. He looked around, and suddenly Mira was embarrassed of her surroundings. Every surface was covered with papers, including the meager cot pushed into the corner of the room. She rushed to the only other chair in the room and grabbed the stacks that littered the seat and moved over to her bed. When she couldn’t find a free spot she turned them sideways and set them over another stack. Motioning to the chair freshly cleared Mira remarked. “Please sit. My apologies for the mess, the number of reports seems to be growing exponentially. ”

“Yes, I understand, I haven’t seen the wood of my desk in weeks.” Cullen smiled to which Mira returned with a grin of her own. He pulled the chair closer to the desk. “We need to compare the status of our troops and the resources we have available for the Mages and the Templars.   Unfortunately the Mages and Templars are on different sides of Fereldan.”

“Yes, it appears most troops are closer to Redcliff. If we divert all of the troops from Haven directly too Therinfal Redoubt would we be able aid both parties?” Mira was flipping through to try and find the final count of the soldiers in Haven.

“We could try that method, but to be honest it would put us at a high risk. There wouldn’t be enough troops here to protect even the smallest attack, and the lower number at each area would result in a likely failure.” Cullen was staring at a document in his hands.

“So it sounds like we have to choose one if we want to ensure success.” Mira placed her hand on either side of her temple. “We need success, and we can’t risk failure, it is too soon in our cause.”

“I agree; we need to make a decision.” Cullen pursed his lips. “Do you have a decision?”

“I believe I may.” Mira looked down and away for a moment. She then brought her eyes to look at him directly, she wouldn’t want him to think she were a coward. “I think we should go after the mages. Our intelligence indicates a dangerous magic there. I am concerned if we leave them alone it might spiral out of control.”

“I understand,” Cullen couldn’t hide his disappointment. Mira assumed he probably felt he was abandoning a part of his life. She heard him take a deep breath.

“Perhaps we could send a scout to the Templars to try to help anyone who wishes to defect.” Mira was watching his face and she saw a small smile come across it.

“Yes, that would be doable. We could just send a small party.” He lifted his papers onto her desk. “Let’s start working on some of the details.”  

Time moved quickly as the worked on the troop displacement. The tactical movement of each solider carefully planned. Together the spend hours determining how to move forward.

\---…---

Cullen looked up from the document to see Mira smiling at him. She had complimented his technique for battle. He could feel the heat in his cheeks. She stood and leaned over her desk to point to something near him and her tunic hung loose and he briefly saw down her shirt before averting his gaze. Her demeanor was so relaxed compared to how she normally presented herself, her tunic a size too large and not completely tied, her hair down, and not a single piece of armor. She pushed her hand back through her hair and continued to hold his gaze smiling. Cullen began to lean forward towards her when he saw her eyes shift and her grin to change into a full smile. He turned to see The Iron Bull filling her entire doorway.

“Boss!” Bull boomed. “You missed dinner and cards.”

Mira moved to pretend to look beyond him. “I missed it already. You must be getting old to be finishing cards so early.” Mira and Bull laughed at each other.

“Well you owe this old man drinks!” He put extra emphasis on the word drink.

“Seems hardly fair, I picked up the tab last time.” Mira rolled her eyes.

“Consider it taxes for making me wait so long.”   Bull stood straight and entered the room and stood next to the still seated Cullen. He clasped his large hand down onto Cullen’s shoulder. “Let’s bring the commander while we are at it. It looks like he could use a drink or five.”

“What do you say Cullen? It looks like I’m buying.” Mira held out her gold purse, and Cullen realized she had called him by his given name. It brought him a huge sense of joy to have that sense of closeness with her.

“I don’t...I mean the reports...”Cullen stuttered.

“Oh Commander, I find it hard to believe that someone else could require your attention more than I do.” Her grin was playful. There was something drawing him in to her violet eyes. She bent over and began to lace her boots. Her ass up in the air Cullen could feel himself staring and he had to shift to make room for his rising member. Ashamed he looked up at Bull and saw him watching, and Cullen looked away.

“There isn’t a chance he won’t come.” Bull laughed and clapped him on the back.

“Really?” Mira stood with her now laced boots to look at Cullen with pure delight.

“I suppose I could spare some time.” Mira moved forward and then stopped. Cullen reached for the back of his neck as he stood to follow the other two out. They laughed the entire way to the bar and sat at a clear table in the back. Three beers were brought over by the waitress after they had barely been seated.  

Bull took a large swig before calling after the waitress returning to the bar. “Bring us the nice stuff. A nice shot for the three of us. The boss is buying after all.”

“I’m going to go broke if I keep drinking with Bull.” Mira commented to Cullen as she sat down a gold coin on the table.

The waitress returned with three small glasses of brown liquor. “Alright drink up boss”

“You know the rules, I’m not taking this shit without a toast.” Mira smiled as she held her drink in hand.

“Cheers to a beautiful boss. I will let you command me anytime.” Bull moved his glass up before sending an elbow to Cullen. “Isn’t that the truth Commander?”

Cullen looked around the table. “Bull knock that off or else he will never take a day off again.” She reached over to slap Bull’s arm. “Cheers to the Inquisition.”

Following her lead Cullen downed the brown liquor, and before he knew it there was another one in front of him. It seemed to go like that for what had to be less than an hour. They had put back 5 drinks and Mira and Bull were teasing each other relentlessly.

“One kiss boss. One small little kiss.” Bull was demanding in exchange for him completing some knife trick.

“How cheap of a kiss do you think I am?” She laughed as she grabbed the knife. She tossed it up letting it flip around in the air before turning and catching it behind her back. She then keeping the movement going she threw it forward into the bull’s-eye on the wall across from her. “That trick is far to easy for you to win anything for. “

Bull let out a hearty laugh and leaned back smiling at her. “You never cease to amaze me.”

Cullen was unsure why he felt such jealousy. She wasn’t anything but the Herald of Andraste to him. Any form of intimacy he had felt earlier was clearly imagined on his part _. If she was interested in someone it had to be The Iron Bull. He was the type of person she needed to be with.   In that moment he was sure this was what she wanted. This was what she deserved, someone to distract her, not someone who would only bring more concerns to the tables. After all, what could he say to her that would ease the burden she was carrying?_   

He felt overwhelmed suddenly, and hot, so very hot. He stood and then noticed Mira and Bull staring at him. “I’ll be leaving.”

He turned and began to move towards the door. He heard Mira call his name but he kept moving. He didn’t care about the young woman he bumped into spilling her drink or the man whose toes he stepped on. He reached outside and stopped. He let himself breath heavily in the cool air. He could feel his chest becoming tight with breaths. _How could you be so stupid? There was nothing between you. Why are you placing significance on something that clearly is not there._ He began to berate himself. He stood straight and set off towards his room on the other side of the grounds.

“Cullen?” He stopped but didn’t turn around.   Her voice sounded like liquid honey on his ears. “Cullen? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” He felt her hand come to his elbow. His head was swimming from all the drinks. He turned his head to look at her. Her eyes were searching his face for something and her eyes appeared closer to pink than violet in the light.

“Cullen?” She took another step forward and he turned his body towards her. “You rushed out of there.”

“I’m fine, I just haven’t drank in quite a while. It all just hit me harder than I expected.” Cullen shifted his weight. He had meant the drinks, but after he said it he could tell there was her that had metaphorically hit him. He wondered briefly if she knew that was what he was saying.

“Me too.” She smiled and turned her head at an angle to look up at him. Her beauty was exquisite in the light of twilight. He took a step closer to her.   In this moment he felt that it was just the two of them. There was no breach. No rifts that needed closing. Just Cullen and Mira.

Cullen lifted his hand and placed it against her cheek and she leaned her face against it. He moved closer bringing his face within centimeters of hers. He could feel her breath against his face and they looked into each other’s eyes.  He didn’t know what he was waiting for but he wanted to hold onto that moment. Cullen closed his eyes resounded to close the gap when a bell sounded signifying the changing of the watch. It awoke Cullen from the spell and he shifted away instantaneously. Cullen’s hand that had been touching her cheek flew to the back of his neck and Mira stepped back.

“I should be going.” Mira said rubbing her marked hand. Her eyes were looking towards the ground and she was fidgeting her feet.

“Yes, letters to write and such.” Cullen replied. He watched her turn and walk away. His heart hurt with each step away she took. He had no one to blame but himself for the emotions. _Had he learned nothing from the circle?_ He turned away hoping with a clear mind in the morning these feeling that seemed overwhelming would be gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Won't be posting a chapter for a little bit as I will be traveling this week.


	5. Haven's Distruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mira is back from Redcliff with the mages and ready to take on the breach.

When Mira returned from Redcliff she seemed more confident and self assured. While she was louder and everyone seemed more relaxed around her, she seemed to almost be avoiding council meetings. She would rarely speak in them and once they were done she would go straight to the camps and training grounds making rounds. She would help with technique and duel with the soldiers. Settle disputes among mages and Templars. In the evening she would retire to her room and pour over various documents and return letters.

It took two weeks to get the mission to the breach organized. Mira sat a top her Ferelden Mount she had brought back from the Hinterlands staring up at the breach when Cullen saw her. He moved his mount over to her.

“Are you alright?” His voice was calm despite his own nerves.

“More than alright,” She turned back and smiled at him. Her violet eyes glittered but seemed distant still. “I’m read to end this.”

“End?” Cullen was surprised.

“The constant bad news.” She pushed a lock of hair out of her face and wrapped it into her chignon that as usual was positioned by her right ear. “I’m ready to finally have some good news.”

“I agree,” He smiled back at her.

“Maybe I’ll finally have a reason to write to my clan.” She let out a single laugh that sounded mixed with scoff.

“It is time,” She shouted turning her attention to the troops. “Today we make history. We will be remembered for stopping the world from ending. We will be the keepers of peace this day. This is the time we, Mages and Templars, come together, and protect everyone. Today we close the breach!”

The crowd roared and began to move out as Cassandra and Mira directed their mounts up the path to the breach.

 

\---…---

 

Cullen moved down the back paths of Haven on his way to the Herald’s room. After the breach had closed she was resting while almost the entirety of Haven celebrated. He didn’t have anything to tell her, or any words of comfort but was certain if he just saw that she was all right his concern would finally abate.

He had been so deep in thought trying to find a way to rationalize what he was doing he didn’t notice the hooded figure walking until he knocked her back with his shoulder. He quickly said sorry until he caught a glimpse of red hair.

“Herald?”

The figure stopped, threw their head back, and in a completely exasperated tone said. “Can’t you call me Mira yet?”

“What are you doing?” From what he could make out in the evening light her face looked completely exhausted.

“I wanted to get out of that room. I thought some fresh air might be nice.” She was rubbing her right hand.

“Does it hurt?” Cullen motioned at her hand.

“Off and on.” Mira looked down. “Was hoping it might not be here anymore.”

“At least you have something to write to your clan about.” Cullen smiled at her.

“I guess so.” She let out a laugh as the alarms began to ring. Haven was under attack.

 

\---…---

 

Cullen’s chest tightened when he received the list of missing when they began to make camp after escaping Haven. At the top her name listed _Mira Lavellan – presumed dead._ He forced himself to continue to read the list. It was smaller than he was expecting but his eyes just returned to the first name. He heard footsteps and looked up from the list to see Cassandra, Leliana, and Josephine approaching.

“We need to send out a search party.” Cullen said flatly. He knew they knew for whom the search party would be for.

“What would be the directions to search? How many people for each party?” Josephine asked as she moved to begin writing the answers.

“Three parties, and three people per party.” Leliana responded. “She is important, but we can’t spare any more people.”

“Alright.” Cullen adjusted his shoulders. “I’ll lead the first party. The chargers will be the second, and the rest of her normal travel companions can be the third. We will move out in 10 minutes.”

Cullen moved his party quickly, but was quickly dismayed when he noticed their original footprints from Haven were beginning to get covered with fresh snow from the wind. If Mira had survived it would be nearly impossible for her to find them at the rate the tracks were getting covered. Cullen trudged up another hill the rest of his party branched out and far behind looking for any traces of Mira. As he got to the top of the hill he saw something half way down. It was a dark mass slowly moving up the hill and stumbling every few steps.

“She’s here.” He shouted back just before moving as fast as he could down the hill.

The black mass fell. He sucked in his breath, just hold on a little longer he thought. The mass got back up and began to move up the hill again.

“Mira!” Cullen shouted. He was close enough that he could now make out that it was Mira. “Mira!”

He finally reached her and brought her into an embrace as her legs began to buckle underneath her. “Mira, are you alright?”

She lifted her head so she could see his face. “They cut off my bun.”

“What?” Cullen asked but it was too late, she had fainted. Then he noticed that her hair was short and unruly. Her Dalish tattoo that swirled around her ear to the base of her neck was completely visible.

Cullen smiled and picked her up. She was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I've posted I'll try and get into a schedule :) 
> 
> Feel free to leave comments if you like it. ;)


	6. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now in Skyhold Cullen and Mira have their first conversation outside of the council since Haven.

Mira saw Cullen in the lower level courtyard.  He was standing over crates reading something.  “Working as always,” Mira thought to herself.  She watch him for a little trying to will herself to go talk to him.   She hadn’t had a conversation with him outside of the council since Haven.  She didn’t like to think of it has she was avoiding him, but she hadn’t gone looking for him either.  She swallowed hard, she needed to go thank him.  He was the one that had pushed his party to go beyond the original bounds of the search.  He was the one that kept his party from returning when the storm worsened.  He was the one that had ultimately spotted her.  He was the one that wrapped her in his own mantel and cloak exposing himself to the weather.  He was the one that walked Leagues back to camp carrying her.  He was the one that saved her.

Mira shook her head.   Thinking about all of that wasn’t going to make it any easier to approach him. 

She stepped down the stairs and as she approached she saw that Cullen’s beard was a little longer than normal. He must not have taken any real rest since they had arrived in Skyhold. Although his beard was a clear sign he had been working far too hard Mira’s mind wandered to the thought of feeling his stubble against her cheek going down to her neck. She could feel her cheeks growing hot and was trying to push the thoughts out of her head when Cullen spotted her.

“Afternoon,” Cullen said as his hand instinctively went to the back of his neck.

“Afternoon Commander,” Mira smiled as she rubbed her marked hand.

“We set up as best we could at Haven, but we could never prepare for an Archdeamon—or whatever it was.”

“Do you ever take time to relax?” Mira grinned at Cullen as her mind noticed his stubble again.

“We must be ready.” Cullen wanted to reinstall her faith in him but was at a loss. How could he ever convince her? “We will not run from here, Inquisitor.”

Mira’s stomach turned and her mouth went dry. Just what she wanted a reminder of the huge responsibility they had just thrown on her; nonetheless it reminder her of Haven. “How many were lost?”

“Most of our people made it to Skyhold. It could have been worse.” Cullen turned to look down at his papers. He couldn’t look into her eyes. They were radiant and just burned his soul with the weight of his failure. “Moral has been increasing ever since you accepted the role of inquisitor.”

“Inquisitor Lavellan,” Mira let out a light chuckle to which Cullen looked up. She had her mischievous grin on. “I sound so regal. The Elven Inquisitor Lavellen. It sounds odd.”

“We needed a leader. You’ve proven yourself.” Cullen straightened himself and looked into her eyes. “It fits you.”

“Thank you Cullen.” It was the first time since Haven she had called him by his given name and Cullen could feel his hear lift. “Haven was close…for all of us.” She swallowed hard. “Without you, I don’t know if I would—if any of us would have survived. I’m glad you—all of us made it out.”

“As am I.” Cullen felt like his voice was caught in his throat as Mira smiled weakly. She turned away from him. “My plan caused you to stay behind and almost…and when we found you.” His voice felt so weak. He had to promise her. He needed to find a way for her to feel safe again. “I will not allow the events at Haven to happen again. You have my word.”

Cullen turned and began to stroll away. Mira looked after him confused. She had come to thank him, but like most of their conversations it ended not even close to where she had intended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone who has been reading!


	7. Drinks on the Battlements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mira determined to thank Cullen for saving her decides they should have drinks on the battlements.

Mira stopped outside of what was Cullen’s new office door.   Soldiers working on getting Skyhold usable had finished clearing the office out during Cullen and Mira’s conversation that morning. She was gripping a bottle of fine whiskey by the neck and her right hand was lying on the handle of the door.   She wanted to turn and run, forget about the endeavor but her neurotic need to clear debts kept her standing at the door.

Mira heard the door directly behind her that opened to the main building began to open. It was do or die. She took a deep breath and opened the door to Cullen’s office.

Cullen was standing at his desk and peered up to see who entered. When he saw it was Mira he stood up straight.

“Inquisitor?” His voice sounded nervous.

“Don’t tell me have to restart the whole ‘ _call me Mira_ ’ now that I have a new title.” Mira continued to make her way in.

“No, I just…” Mira’s hear was pounding so loud it was hard to hear along with the fact that and the fact Cullen was trailing off.

“Well, if you care to, call me Mira.” Mira smiled not quite sure why she had such nerves. Hopefully her voice didn’t sound as shaky as she felt.  

“Alright, what can I do for you Mira?” He was smiling back.

“You could let me thank you properly?” Mira responded a little saucy. Cullen looked as though someone had hit him in the face. He hand went to the back of his neck and Mira realized that he hadn’t understood. She held up the bottle and said, “With drinks.   I just thought you and I could go up the battlements and have a drink.”

“I have a lot of work to do,” Cullen’s hand was still on the back of his neck and any amount of confidence Mira had about her plans was coming crashing around her.

“Cullen,” Mira took a deep breath, she came here to thank him and that is what she would do. “There will always be work, but tonight let’s celebrate.   Somehow we survived an arch-demon and his pet dragon. Let us have a drink and enjoy this fine whiskey I bought to thank you.”

“Let’s go,” Cullen relented. “But it can’t be like last time. I felt terrible that morning”

“You weren’t alone.” Mira laughed as she began to leave his office with Cullen following her. She walked along the wall and headed for the tower on the corner.   “The tower up ahead has a lovely view. Also since it hasn’t been cleared out yet there will be less traffic so inquisition members won’t see their commander not working for once.”

“I relax,” Cullen emphatically responded.

“Council meetings don’t count,” Mira teased. Cullen just shook his head as he grabbed the handle for the tower. Mira walked up the stairs and to the section where the wall was missing and sat down and hung her legs over the ledge. She patted the spot next to her and Cullen walked over towards her. His armor made it difficult but he was able to get down and hang his legs off the edge like Mira.

“I take it you aren’t afraid of heights,” Cullen remarked as Mira began to pull the cork out of the bottle.

“Not particularly.” She got the cork out and passed the bottle to Cullen.

“You’re not having any?” Cullen asked as though he had discovered her vicious plot.

“Oh yes I am having some.” Mira responded making her voice sound like the question was absurd. “I though the savior of the day should have the first drink.”

“So it’s poison,” Cullen laughed as he took a swig before she could respond.

“Yep.” Mira responded when Cullen handed the bottle to her and she took a drink. They sat a while in silence passing the whiskey back and forth watching the mountains. “Cullen?”

“Yes,” He said as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and handed the bottle back to her.

“Why did you become a Templar?”

“It seemed like a good thing to do,” His voice sounded distant.

“Cullen,” Mira was becoming bolder with each drink. “Is that really why?”

“When I was young my father and I were feeding our horses when a man appeared. He demanded our horses. When my father had denied him the man lunged after him. The Templars from the chantry in Honnleath were riding not far away and heard my father and the man fighting. They came and stopped the man from killing my father. While the Templars had saved my father the man hit my father with a knife and cut his arm. He had cut deep into the muscle and his arm never recovered and had difficulty using it. The man was being controlled by blood magic by three mages that were sentenced to be made tranquil. The mages were using the man to try and escape. The Templars had stopped so many innocent people from getting hurt.” Cullen had been holding the bottle while he spoke and took a swig. “I wanted to help people. I wanted to make a difference and protect those who couldn’t protect themselves.”

“You are a very selfless person.” Mira was touched that he shared such a story with her. Cullen let out a light laugh. “It’s true.”

While Mira felt touched she didn’t know what to think of his story, or even the fact that he had told her. Instead they sat in silence until a question popped into her head.   She took another swig and passed the bottle back. “I’ve heard that many Templars take a vow of Celibacy to show their dedication to their cause. Did you take any oath?”

Cullen nearly choked. “No. I…uh…Can we talk about something else?” He took a swig.

Mira giggled to herself. It was a better reaction than she had expected. “What do you want to talk about?”

Cullen was quiet for a moment before he asked, “Are purple eyes common among elves? I’ve never seen them before, but I haven’t met many Dalish.”

“No,” Mira responded. She hated talking about her eyes. “I’ve never met another. There is no record of it among the Dalish either.”

“Nobody?” Cullen’s voice was clearly indicating he wanted more: how she had come to have violet eyes.

“My mother left our clan for a period to travel with another clan for a while. She was sent to learn as well as teach herbal remedies. In the new clan she met a young mage and she fell in love. When my clan was suffering and needed her herbal abilities she returned, while she loved the mage she loved her clan more. When she realized she was pregnant she was happy and the clan celebrated. Marriage is not viewed the same way it is for humans. I don’t actually think anyone in my clan is married. So being a bastard is quite normal so the fact my father would not be present for my raising was unimportant.” Mira paused as she took another swig of the dwindling whiskey and passed it back to Cullen. “My mother was approaching the end of her pregnancy when she was traveling to our burial grounds. There was a group of mages that was desecrating the graves when my mother arrived. The group saw her and attacked. My clan found her when she didn’t return. She had marks from lightening all across her body and she was barely clinging to life.   Our healer worked tirelessly to save her but she began to give birth. It became clear they had two choices, save my mother or save the baby.

“Children are valued very high among the Dalish. Lately it has been becoming harder for many of our clan to conceive and in recent history magic has become rare among many of the clans. As my mother’s lover had been from a long line of strong mages the decision was made, they would save the child. I was born without magic but with violet eyes. The clan was split still on whether it was a result of the magical attack on my mother or the a sign from the Dalish god’s that they had chosen to spare me from my mothers fate.”

Mira couldn’t stand the silence when she stopped. “I became the ‘ambassador’ of sorts for my clan to escape the expectations that surrounded me.   That was why I was at the assembly, to be able to report the outcome to my clan so we could prepare.”

“Where you got pulled into more expectations,” Cullen commented.

“Yep.” Mira reached out for Cullen to pass the bottle back to her.

“Empty,” He responded.

“I thought we said we weren’t going to drink that much.” She laughed. “Guess that means the night is over.”

“It is getting late.”

Mira leapt up and her head immediately spun from a mixture of alcohol and blood rush. Nevertheless she put a hand out to help Cullen. As they were walking away Cullen said, “thank you. You were right we did need to celebrate.”

“Well thank you for finding me. I would have hated to have froze.” Mira smiled. “I’ll see you at tomorrow’s council meeting, if my head doesn’t destroy me first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone who is reading.


	8. First kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mira confronts Cullen about her feelings.

After the council meeting Cullen was following Josephine and Leliana when he noticed that Mira was still looking at the war table. She had a finger on a piece and was causing it to spin around.

“Is everything alright?” Cullen asked.

Mira stopped and looked over at him. “Yes. I was just thinking of how far the Storm Coast is from here.”

“It will be quite a journey for you.” Cullen watched as she straightened herself. She was so quiet and hadn’t teased him yet. He was running through his head trying to determine if there was something that could have upset her.

“Cullen,” Mira began to walk towards him. “Do you have a moment?”

“Yes,” His nerves was reminded of when he was early in the Templar order and had gotten scolded for not holding his partner accountable. They walked in silence as Mira rubbed her marked hand.

“You will come back so tan we won’t recognize you.” Cullen said after they had been walking for what seemed like an eternity.

“What?” Mira turned with pure confusion on her face.

Instantly Cullen felt deflated. He looked at her thinking of the two possibilities. He decided to rip the bandage off. “You had something to discuss?”

“Cullen,” Mira turned to look at him. “I think about you far more than I care to admit. I find myself the happiest when you are around. This can’t be coming as a surprise.”

Cullen’s voice was caught in his throat.

“Is any of this mutual?” Mira’s eyes were glimmering in the sun and Cullen was wishing he could freeze time. He felt that he need a lifetime to process what was happening.

“I’ve wondered what I would say to you, but it never seemed appropriate.”

“Appropriate?”

“You’re the inquisitor. We’re at war.” Cullen swallowed as he stepped closer. “I never thought it was possible.”

“And here we are.”

“So we are,” Cullen brought his hand around her hip and pulled her in to him. He leaned down as she turned her face up.

“Commander, I have sister Leliana’s report,” One of Leliana’s men was walking to them holding papers. Cullen couldn’t believe his luck. He stood tall and looked down at the man who promptly said he would leave it on Cullen’s desk.

Mira began to murmur that Cullen could get back to work but the memory of the first time they had drinks together. He had been careless then and let her leave.

He grabbed her and pulled her close and kissed her passionately. As he pulled away his head had finally caught up with his body. He had just kissed the inquisitor. He had finally kissed Mira.

“I’m sorry.” Cullen pulled away.

“You don’t regret it do you?”

“No! No, not at all.” Cullen was surprised she would even ask. Who could ever regret kissing such an incredible person. Cullen stared into her eyes. The eyes he had been dreaming about since the night they got those drinks.

She moved forward brought a hand around his mantle and pulled him close. Cullen bent down and they kissed again. Cullen knew this was more than he could have hoped for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short update today but finally something (even if it is just a kiss) happened! It will be getting more exciting in the near future, but updates will take a little bit longer I just got transferred at work and am in the process of moving.


	9. Farewell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mira and Cullen say goodbye before her trip

Mira turned from talking to Dorian the next morning as they were arranging their packs on their horses when she saw Cullen’s unmistakable mantle. She was surprised to see him. He normally didn’t have much spare time to come down to the staging areas. Any spare time he did have he usually spent out with the troops running drills.

  
He was speaking to one of his sergeants with his back to her. She wondered if he had come down to see her and her heart began to race. She thought of their kiss and how she had wondered what would be next especially with her leaving. She moved over to them and Cullen and the sergeant saw her.

“Inquisitor.” Cullen said in greeting. Her heart sank a little.

“Commander. Might I speak to the commander briefly?” The Sergeant excused himself but looked back at them briefly confusion on his face. Cullen looked at her inquisitively. “Cullen if you keep showing up like this I’m going to think that you are following me.”

Cullen’s hand shot up to the back of his neck; he had come down to see her off. “I just…I”

She laughed and smiled at him. “The Commander of the Inquisition and the herald of Andraste, you know people are going to talk.”

“I believe they already are.” Cullen looked behind him and two of the soldiers whipped their heads away pretending they weren’t watching.

“Does it bother you?” Had she read the situation wrong? She had only been teasing him, but if it was a problem…

“I would rather my-eh-our private affairs stay that way,” Cullen paused before reaching forward and briefly squeezing her forearm. “But if there was nothing with us for people to talk about, I would regret it far more.”

Mira and Cullen moved off to the side of the room. “How long have you been wanting to kiss me?”

Cullen chuckled, “Longer than I will admit.”

“I was hoping I would see you before I leave.”

“Really?” Cullen smiled back at her.

“Yes,” She was rubbing her left hand. “I wanted to say I will miss you.”

Cullen smiled. “Well, I don’t want you to think I’m following you, but this was a little more than a happy accident.”

“Miiiirrraaaa,” Dorian wined dragging her name out. She looked over his shoulder at him. “ You will have time to make rumors later, you forced me out of bed early and I’ll be damned if you waste my beauty sleep time.”

“Well I best get moving, Dorian can be a real vexation if he starts out a trip on the wrong side.” Mira said as she rolled her eyes.

“I will look forward to the trumpets announcing your return.” Cullen responded.

With that Mira turned on her heels and returned to her horse. She was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short update but getting back into it. I have some plot already completed but I need to complete a few more chapters before then. 
> 
> As always please leave Kudo's and comments if you are enjoying this story. It really gets me thrilled about writing.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left Kudo's so far! This is my first fan fic so I really appreciate the encouragement!


	10. The Philter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen finally tells Mira that he has cut off Lyrium

Cullen heard the trumpet announcing the inquisitors return in the base camp when he was finishing the afternoon training drills. He had made the decision that he needed to tell Mira the whole truth about his involvement with the inquisition. His heart leapt when he heard the noise and the fear set in. He sat in his office staring at his philter thinking of how to express what he needed to say.

He would send for her in a few hours. While it would have been polite for him to wait at least until the next morning he knew he would lose his nerve if he didn’t speak to her on the matter first thing. If there was to be any romance between them, any trust at all, she needed to know the risk he was adding to the Inquisition.

The door opened thudding as it closed. He didn’t want to see any of his scouts and pretended to be engrossed in the document next to his philter. “Just leave the report, I will look at it when I am able.”

“I haven’t finished my report.” Her voice was instantly recognizable. He looked up and was shocked to see her. It was easy to tell she had been riding all day and hadn’t stopped to freshen up. Her hair was disheveled and her travel coat was covered in dust. She smiled at Cullen and he wanted to shove his philter away and forget about talking to her. She pushed a lock of her red hair out of her face. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes, I was wanting...er” Cullen shifted his weight and looked at his philter again. “As leader of the inquisition...there is something I must tell you.”

Mira shifted her weight and rolled her shoulders back so she was standing taller. It was the stance Cullen had seen her take many times. It was her battle stance for politics and it made his chest tighten to see her using it on him. “Whatever it is I am here to listen.”

“Lyrium grants Templars their abilities, the abilities that give us a fighting edge against mages and magic.” Cullen paused and looked at her indecipherable face. “However, it is highly addictive. Templars that are cutoff suffer deeply from its hold, some go insane, and many ultimately die. We have a reliable source of lyrium for our Templars, but I no longer take it.”

Cullen looked up again but her facial expressions did not change. “It has been months now. After Kirkwall I could no longer be bound to the order or that life any longer. I needed to sever the leash that the order had, no matter the suffering.” Cullen shifted his shoulders. “I will not put the inquisition at risk. I have asked Cassandra to watch me and should my abilities to lead become compromised she will relieve me of my duties. The inquisition’s armies must always take priority.”

“I will defer to Cassandra’s expertise in this matter.” Mira’s voice was soft but strong. He had expected questions, concerns of his ability to lead, something from her inquisitive mind. _Had she already known?_ Cullen turned away but when he didn’t hear her footsteps he looked back at her. Her shoulders had relaxed and her eyes had softened. “Thank you for telling me. I support what you are doing.”

Cullen’s hand went to the back of his neck. “Thank you Inquisitor.”

“I will see you at another time, commander.” She nodded her head at him.

Cullen was relieved and let out a deep breath as she strolled out of his office. He was still her commander and she still wanted to see him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been reading. I really appreciate it! 
> 
> Special thanks to:  
> -0102and03  
> -AliceWasHere,  
> -LyricalGibbon  
> -Bethers  
> -Mollycheeprock  
> -GeekyCat 
> 
> for the Kudos! It really means a lot to me that you read my story and took the time to give me kudos! I greatly appreciate how kind everyone is on here to each other. Next chapter will be more head-cannon :)


	11. Sending a Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen receives reports from Mira but has difficulty understanding their meaning.

It had been a fortnight since Mira had left for the western approach and Cullen found himself reading the same sentence on repeat. It was the final line of her first report back. _The rabbit misses the night._

It seemed odd when he had read it earlier this morning but thought little of it assuming it must be meant for one of the other advisers. It wasn’t until the morning meeting when Josephine and Leliana began to giggle when he walked in. He must have looked as bewildered as he felt as their laughing instantly increased.

“We were just reviewing the Inquisitors report again.” Josephine remarked through her giggles.

“Was there something in the report I missed?” He was glancing between them looking for a hint.

"Oh no,” Leliana was calming herself out of her fit of giggles. “It was just interesting her last line, don’t you think?”

“Yes,” Cullen agreed Mira’s last line was weird, but he was apparently hadn’t figured out the code that the two of them had figured out. Cullen coughed.

“Can we start?”Cullen sat at his desk just staring at the line. It was strange. Cullen had read her entire report enough that he almost had it memorized. No other mention of a rabbit or night. He had thought he got close at one point when her report mentioned shards she had found that glowed in the dark, however he couldn’t figure out how a hare fit into that.

He got up from his desk and began to walk out of his office towards the kitchen. He hadn’t eaten yet as he had been so curious about what the two had been laughing about he had skipped his afternoon meal to try and make it back to his office to review her repot. It had been in vain as he had been stopped by an officer. It wasn’t until the evening that he had been able to get back to his office.

He opened the kitchen door only to feel it hit something and then hear a crash. He peaked around to see an elven servant quickly trying to pick the vegetables off the ground and put them back into a pot.

“I’m sorry.” Cullen bent down and began to help pick the uncooked roots up. He was lucky that he had only knocked the pot out of her hands rather than hurt the servant.

“No, no, its fine.” The girl muttered not making eye contact.

“Damn it.” A voice rang across the kitchen; the cook. Cullen noticed the servant begin to move faster. “You stupid rabbit did you think it was time for a snack?”

 “It was my fault. I opened the door to quick and knocked her with it.” Cullen retorted.   He began to stand, he was furious at the cook’s behavior. The cook had been much kinder back in Haven, but after she had lost her husband she had become much colder.   The cook made a noise and began to turn away. “Do not speak to the servants in such a manner again. If I hear of you calling anyone a rabbit again…”

It hit him hard causing his thought to stop instantly. _Rabbit_. Mira was referring to herself as a rabbit. He thought back to their chess game. She had said that she didn’t understand the insult of rabbit. Cullen had explained to her about the ears and she had just laughed. _Yes I have pointed ears it is true, I guess ears are the only thing that qualifies one to be an animal._ He smiled. He had it, she was the rabbit. _The rabbit misses the night_. He was a knight. Mira missed him. He wanted to get back to see the line written again. To see how she had missed him. He turned and grabbed an apple and left the kitchen, the cook staring off after him.

 

\---...---

 

When her next report came in telling them she had located a keep that would assist the forces to maintain their hold in Orlais Cullen was excited to look for her clue. He was less enthused that Leliana had brought him the report herself and had made the comment that this letter was “much more difficult”. He scanned through her report quickly and immediately found the line it had to be, _the Mountain is stronger with Coper Rings about._

He smiled to himself. Mira was using a technique that he had told her about. He had mentioned when he worked in a circle tower he had intercepted a series of letters that had seemed innocent but had made little sense. There had been capitalization in weird places. It was later he had found out that the capitalization had been indicative of people’s names. _M. is stronger with C. R. about._ His heart leaped at the line as he read it again tracing the letters with his fingers. He smiled, she had written this one to be _Mira is stronger with Cullen Rutherford about._

He needed to send something back. Something to let her know he had gotten her message. That he appreciated her discretion and effort to keep their life private. Despite that Josephine and Leliana had found the messages meanings, he knew that most would not.  

Rylen would be sent to Griffon Wing Keep. He had mentioned when the keep in the hinterlands had gone to the spymaster that when they found a keep suitable for troops that Rylen would be the one he sent as he knew he could trust him. Rylen had been his friend for some time now, and he knew he could trust and that is what he would do. Cullen penned a letter but not one in code, he could never hope to write code that would fool the spy master. His only hope to keep her from writing it would be to have one of his men deliver it.

Once Cullen had finished the letter he had begun to reread it but instantly began to feel foolish so folded and sealed the letter to keep himself from rethinking the endeavor.   The next day he handed it to Rylen along with his new assignment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to the readers out there. 
> 
> Special thanks to:
> 
> Deanosauruspex (very punny!)  
> Jrogers
> 
> for the kudos! As well as everyone who has given Kudos anonymously!


	12. Lyrium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mira returns and Cullen is struggling with his addiction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a bit of a longer chapter. Remember if you like it to leave kudos or comments or both :) Thanks again everyone who has taken the time to read this. I really appreciate it.

Cullen couldn’t remember returning to his office but he found himself sitting at his desk shaking violently.  A plate of food sat before him so it was past lunch.  He looked out his window and realized it must be past dinner.  He reached for the bread sitting on the plate and broke off a small piece.  He shivered. His clothes were sweat soaked.  He missed his mouth at first, but go the bread in the second try.  He remembered going to the war table this morning but couldn’t remember anything after that. 

He was ashamed of it but this had been happening at an increasing rate.  He was sure it had to do with his inability to sleep was getting worse.  He looked around his office trying to find something to focus on but it all felt like a dream.  Nothing was real.  He broke off another piece of bread and began to ascend the ladder.

He looked at himself in the mirror.  He didn’t recognize himself.  Ever since he had quit lyrium he had changed.  His body hurt more. His hair had lightened.  His completion had gotten lighter and his eyes were always slightly red.  Most notably his hair had gone from curly to wavy with some curls.  He had watched the transition take place, but now all he saw was a stranger staring back at him with a beard that needed to be shaved, dark circles around his eyes, and cracking lips from dehydration.   He wondered if the inquisitor would have been able to recognize the old him.

He walked over and collapsed on his bed.  Every part of his body hurt and he was terribly uncomfortable, but knew he would never be able to get comfortable so continued to lay on his back staring at the stars. 

He awoke when he heard someone stepping off of the ladder into his room.  His opened his eyes and he felt someone climbing onto his bed.  He sat up.  His eyes were adjusting when he felt a kiss. 

“I missed you”  Mira’s voice was soft. She gave him no time to respond as her mouth was pressed against his again.  He wrapped his arms around her and began to kiss in return.  She climbed on top of him and he could feel his blood getting hot as she stroked his chest pushing him down into his bed.  Her hips were moving causing his member to swell.  She pulled back tugged at her tunic.   Cullen began to help lift the tunic off her body.  She sat bare chested in front of him.  Her pale cream skin with bright pink nipples.  He reached to grab her and she moved down to kiss him more.  He could feel her bare chest against his own. He pressed his nails into her back and she let a gasp out as she swung her head back.  As she did he opened his eyes and saw her, but it wasn’t Mira.

It was her.  The demon who had tortured him in Ferelden Circle.  Her face black and pink withwhite swirls painted.  Her horns protruded from her skull and she had sharp incisors.  Gorgeous and terrifying. 

“No!”  Cullen screamed.

“I’m giving you what you want.   You want someone to love.”  The demon sounded sultry.  She was pushing on his chest.  

“You’re not her.” He couldn’t breathe.

“Don’t be so certain.” She pushed harder on his chest.  “I am everything you want.”

“No!” Cullen screamed again this time his body jolted forward.  He was alone in his room again panting.  It had been a dream.  It was the first one he had had that involved Mira.  He wasn’t even safe with her.  What was he doing?  He couldn’t sleep.  He couldn’t focus on work.  He couldn’t even remember anything that had happened earlier that day.  He was going to bring the inquisition down from the inside if he continued to do this. 

 ---…---

 

Mira was exhausted when she returned.  Her shoulders hurt and she was sure she smelt terrible but she had been so excited to see Cullen she went straight to see him.  She put her ear to his office door to see if she could hear any noises of meetings.  When she didn’t hear anything she opened his door and peaked in.  Cullen was sitting at his desk as normal with papers sprawled around him and his lunch set off to the side.  It looked like he hadn’t touched his food at all.  His eyes widened slightly when she walked in.  It looked like he had been scared briefly. 

“Hi,”  Mira said.  When Cullen remained silent she began to absent mindedly pat her hair wishing desperately she had gone to clean up first.  “I just wanted to say hi and let you know I was back” 

“Well, hi.”  Cullen finally smiled as he stood and walked over to her.  He gave her a small peck on her lips. 

“Hi.”  Mira repeated trying to smile cutely.  Something was off with Cullen.

“I’m glad you made it back safely, but I have a lot of work to do.”  Cullen smiled but looked back at his desk.  The circles around his eyes were the darkest Mira had ever seen. “Do you mind if I see you later?”

“Of course.  I need to clean up and unpack anyways.”  Mira smiled again at him but he had already turned back to his desk.  Her heart sank in disappointment.  She had hoped to see Cullen’s goofy smile and for him to pick her up into a hug, swing her around and plant a big kiss.  While she knew that wasn’t going to happen, she had expected his goofy smile at least.  She began to rub her marked hand trying to ease the pulsing she was feeling. She needed to calm her anxiety that something was terribly wrong.

 

\---…---

 

Mira awoke at her desk with a paper stuck to her cheek.  She had fallen asleep waiting for Cullen to send for her or him to stop by.  She looked out her window and from the position of the sun figured it must be mid-morning.  She began to leave when she thought better and picked up her looking glass.  She was relieved that she had, the kohl she had spread around her eyes the night before in an attempt to look fancy had smeared down her face. She wiped off the smear and began to make her way to Cullen’s office.  _He was going to see her and tell her what is wrong whether he liked it or not._  

When Cullen wasn’t at his desk she began to make the rounds around Skyhold looking for him.  Mira was beginning to feel discouraged until she went in to the pub and saw Dorian and Bull chatting at a table.  She sat down at their table feeling defeated. 

“Oh what’s wrong little snowflake?”  Dorian asked.  He liked to call her a different pet name every time he saw her.  She was certain it was only to see if he could find one that would get a rise out of her.

“Nothing.”  They sat in silence as Bull and Dorian shot looks at each other.  “Ok it’s not nothing.”

They all chuckled.  “What’s the news boss?” 

“I need to talk to Cullen, but he has fallen off the face of thedas.”  She sighed. 

“Is that all?”  Dorian laughed and Mira shot him a look.  “He’s in the armory.  He went in there to talk to Cassandra.”  

“Oh,”  Mira stood.  She hadn’t expected them to know. “Well thank you.”

She could hear them laughing as she headed to the armory.  She swore she heard Dorian say something about a strapping Templar, but she was determined to find Cullen. She would deal with their teasing later.

As she opened the door to the armory she could hear Cullen’s anger.  He was trying hard to suppress it but she could tell he was losing the fight. 

“I’ve given you my opinion why would you expect it to change.” Cassandra’s voice was firm and annoyed

“I expect you to keep your word.” Cullen sounded exasperated. “If I am unable to keep what vows I kept then nothing good has come of this. Would you rather save face than...”

Mira opened the door all the way to see Cullen turn abruptly towards her. Mira stood in silence as Cullen began to walk. As he passed her he spoke so softly Mira barely made out what he said. “If you’re real, forgive me.”

Mira looked at Cassandra with as dignified look she could muster. “Cullen told you that he stopped taking lyrium?”

“Yes,” Mira responded. “I respect what he is doing.”

“As do I,” Cassandra sighed and grabbed her elbow. “He has asked that I recommend a replacement. It is not necessary, and it would destroy how far he has come. He can handle this.”

“I don’t understand why he didn’t come to me with this.” Mira looked behind Cassandra at the fire burning. She had spoke with him yesterday, why hadn’t he mentioned to her how concerned he was. His letter had mentioned nothing of his mounting insecurities.

“We had an agreement long before you joined. As a seeker this is something I can evaluate.” Cassandra looked into Mira’s eyes and it felt as though she were trying to say that what she was about to say was far more important. “He wouldn’t want to risk your...disappointment.”

“Is there anything we can do to change his mind?”

“If anyone could, it is you.” Cassandra paused. “Cullen has a chance to break the leash that lyrium holds on the Templars. Prove to anyone that they are capable of ending the suffering of the Templars. I know he is able to do this, I knew it back in Kirkwall. Talk to him, decide if now is the time.”

Mira looked down as Cassandra walked away. She felt powerless. Everything in her life had been thrust at her. She had never been able to decide who she wanted to be, or how she wanted to live her life. She had been born “marked by the gods” and forced to learn all of the goods legends. She had been marked to take on as the Keeper one day. Then she received a new mark on her hand and placed into the role of inquisitor. Cullen had a chance to change his fate, and she was determined to ensure he got it.

 

\---…---

 

Cullen stared down at the box. It had been days since he had had the first dream of the inquisitor. The night he had decided he needed to step down for the sake of the inquisition. He had been so worried about it he hadn’t said anything until after he saw the inquisitor. Her face was enough to remind him of what was truly at stake. All of it changed when he saw her again just a mere hour ago. Since then he had been paralyzed oscillating between his only two possibilities. Take the lyrium and stay here with her and be the commander she needs but fail to be the man she deserves, or stay clean and fail the inquisition and fail her.

He opened the box and ran his trembling fingers over his spoon he had once been so familiar with. Each divot in the box he knew so well. The small imperfection on the side of the spoon that he had run his thumb over so often. He could feel it calling to him. He could be the Templar he had always dreamed of. He would be the failure that he had always been.

It felt like his blood was boiling. He was so weak. He didn’t deserve her. He didn’t even deserve lyrium. He threw the box with all of his might only to see her as the box left his hands. Cullen let out a gasp as the box soared inches from her face and landed against the wall breaking.

“Maker’s breath. I didn’t hear you enter. I...” Cullen straightened himself . He couldn’t let her see him like this. He needed to be more. “Forgive me.”

“I’m sure it deserved it.” Mira smiled and let out a chuckle.

Cullen tried to force a laugh and tripped as he tried to move forward. Mira moved towards him but he held out his hand to stop her. How could he be such a failure? All he wanted was to be what she needed but he was letting her down? He felt something on his hand. He looked up to see her hand on the outside of his as she moved his hand to her cheek.

“Cullen?” Mira’s voice was so soft and caring. It only infurated him further with himself.

“You asked me what happened at Fereldin’s circle?” Cullen pulled his hand away. “It was taken over by abominations. Everyone was slaughtered. I was tortured. They tried to break my mind. How could you be the same person after that?”

He turned his head away. He couldn’t look at her as he continued to tell her everything.   “Still I wanted to do my duty. They sent me to Kirkwall and a fear of mages ended in madness. Kirkwall’s circle fell and innocent people died all because I chose not to ask questions. Do you see why I want nothing to do with that life?”

“Cullen, of course I...”

“No. You should be questioning what I have done? I thought I would gain some control over myself.” He walked towards her again. Why was she trying to understand him. She needed to be angry with him. Tell him what a failure he was, the way he told himself everyday. He should have been stronger. He should be stronger. “These thoughts won’t leave me. How many lives depend on us? I will not give less to the inquisition then I gave to the chantry.”

His fist hit his bookshelf. He hadn’t even realized he was hitting it until after it was done. “I should be taking it.”

“Cullen.” Her voice was no longer soft but firm. The way she was when she had made a decision in the war room and would no longer argue. He couldn’t stand to look up at her. “This is not about the inquisition.”

She moved towards him and put her left hand on his cheek raising his face to look at her. “Is this what you want?” Her voice was soft again.

Cullen looked at her. He was searching her eyes for some indication of what she wanted him to say but found nothing. There was only kindness and concern. He didn’t understand how she could look at him that way.

“No.” He was surprised by his own honesty. “What if I can’t endure these thoughts?”

“You can.” She grabbed his hand and helped him straighten up. “You need to get some rest.”

“Alright.” He smiled at her. “If you don’t mind, I think I would like some time alone.”

Mira smiled and turned to walk away pausing just before the door. She turned and looked at him. “Just promise you will actually eat your meal tonight. You haven’t had more than a few bites for the last week and you need to eat.”

Cullen smiled back moving towards his desk. “Alright.”

Then she was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	13. Clan Lavellan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clan Lavellan has arrived at Skyhold. Mira has decided to make a bold decision.

The sun beamed down on the back of Cullen’s neck warming him from the chill of the morning.   He had woke early that morning and had decided to patrol the training grounds.  It was normally a weekly activity for him but something he had been unable to do the last few weeks due to the intensity of his withdrawals.  Since his talk with Mira he had finally been able to get sleep and was feeling better.  When he spoke to her after breaking down in front of her he was astonished to learn that she still wanted to see him.  He smiled thinking about the Elven sweetbread that she had baked for him telling him he might be able to resist his lunch but her sweet bread was irresistible.

As he was strolling thinking of the delicious bread he had on his desk he heard a few shouts and a group of soldiers congregating near the entrance of the fence.  He approached the group and they began to turn one by one and salute.  “What is the concern?”  His voice taking on the authoritative tone he used with his troops. 

“Commander, there is a group of Dalish elves demanding an audience with the inquisitor.”  The Soldier paused for a moment.  “They are claiming to be from clan Lavellan.”   

“Well, send someone to notify Ambassador Josephine and bring them to the hall.  Visiting people is a fairly common occurrence here and I expect you to follow the procedures in place in the future.” Cullen said sternly and turned to walk away.

Cullen’s face was blank and his pace walking was calm.  He was determined to not show his soldiers the fear he felt.   _Mira must not know that her clan was coming.  There was no way she wouldn’t have mentioned it, although she never spoke about her clan.  She rarely ever talked about herself.  The stories she told were all of her recent travels, she never spoke about her Elven culture. The last time she had mentioned anything of her clan was when they were closing the breach back in Haven.  It had been Josephine that had brought their need for assistance at a war table meeting._  

“Cullen.”  Cullen had been so lost in thought he didn’t even notice that Mira was in the main courtyard when he walked through the main gate. He turned his head and saw her jogging over to him.  “Are you alright?”

“What?”  Cullen was still recovering from his deep thoughts. “Yes.  I was just coming to find you.”

“You found me.”  Mira coyly at him and his heart began to beat faster.  Her voice got quieter and she leaned in a bit before she continued. “Were you missing my lips already.”

His hand went to the back of his neck and smiled at her.  “Well I uh,”

“Official business then.”  Mira smiled but the playful spark was gone from her eyes.

“There is a group of elves here that say they are from clan Levillan.  They wish to meet with you.”  As soon as Cullen had finished Mira let out a sigh and looked at the ground.  She seemed forlorn.  “Josephine should have just been notified and will most likely setting up official meetings and dinners.”

“That would be wise.”  Her voice was solemn.  “I need to meet with them before any of that.  I was hoping this wouldn’t happen.” 

She turned and as though it were planned the group of three elves were walking into the courtyard.  She sighed again and pushed her shoulders back and began to walk towards them. 

“Andaran atish’an,” Mira lowered their head towards the three elves. The three lowered their heads in response.  It looked to Cullen that the female with her brown hair pulled back frowned at what Mira had said.  Cullen wondered if it was the use of the formal greeting. “Greetings, and welcome to Skyhold.”

“Thank you for your welcome.”  The female with her brown hair down and had not frowned said.  Cullen noticed that she must have been a mage as he noticed that the walking stick she had was actually a small staff.  “You know why we have come.”

“Yes.”  Cullen had never heard Mira’s voice sound so solemn.  The female who had spoken prior stared at Mira intently. 

“Mira, don’t do this.”  The girl with her hair back pleaded.  “You don’t have to.”

“Nessim, I do.”  Mira sounded much softer.

“I knew you were not what everyone thought you were.”  The sole male elf scoffed.  He had jet-black hair and his eyes were about a piercing green. 

“Ati’v silence.”  The mage gave the young man a stern look. 

A long silence followed.   Mira locked gazes with the mage. The other two elves looked on. Cullen began to feel uncomfortable and shifted his feet causing his armor to clink to which they all turned to look at him. He glanced at Mira and she flashed him a smile and he felt a sense of relief. “This is the commander of the Inquisition’s army, Commander Cullen.”

The mage’s face formed a deep frown as she looked at him. “Is this the reason why you are renouncing us?” Nessim voice had raised, and was practically shouting. “A shem is forcing you to give up your people?”

“You have forgotten you place, Nessim.” Mira’s voice was cold. Her eyes were stern and Cullen could feel the heat from the stare where he stood. Nessim look like she wanted to melt into the ground. “I am renouncing my place within clan Levillan and will no longer be a member of clan Levillan.”

For the first time it felt as though Skyhold was completely silent. Everyone within earshot turned towards the group and stared. He felt his own breath get caught in his throat at what she said. Nessim’s eyes were watering and Ati’v shook his head glaring. The mage lowered her eyes momentarily and then made eye contact with Mira and spoke. “If this is what you see as fit then so it will be. I must remind you there is no returning from what you are doing.”

“It is done.” Mira held the stare for a moment before smiling her diplomatic smile. “The Inquisition welcomes clan Levillan as honored guests. The soldier who brought you in will show you to the main hall to meet our ambassador Josephine.”

“Thank you for your kindness.” The mage said. All three elves bowed their heads before following the soldier up to the main hall. Cullen turned back to speak to Mira but she was already walking away shoulders back and head up.

***---***

Cullen arrived to see Mira, Leliana, and Josephine standing at the table. As he walked he heard Josephine’s voice dripped with worry. “Clan Lavellan has been set up with a room and there will be a meal in their honor tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” It sounded as though Mira was talking about any other group that had come to visit. Mira looked up and saw the three advisors staring at her. “We should probably discuss whether we will make an announcement that I am no longer a Dalish elf or if we should just no longer associate my name with them and wait for people to make the connection.”

“Mira,” Leliana’s voice was soft as if she was afraid uttering her name might cause her to shatter. “I do not understand why you have done this. It seems an extreme leap to take.”

“I have to agree with Leliana,” Josephine chimed in. “There have been very little problems thus far with your association with the elves.”

“You are right there has not been a large problem thus far, but I didn’t do it for right now.” Mira sighed. “We have many days a head of us and what will happen when the nobles find out that the inquisitor is next in line to lead her Dalish clan. My motives will never be seen as pure. How many people may try and harm my clan to get to me? The best thing for the inquisition and the best thing for my clan is for me to be no longer associated with them. You might not see this, but I promise it is what is best.”

Josephine smiled lightly at Mira. “I think the best would be for us to have you introduced at the upcoming Orlaisian peace talks without an association to the clan. We will not mention it but to a few select people and it should spread well.”

“Thank you,” Mira said and then picked up a marker on the war table. “So what was the message for help from the frost backs again?”

***---***

Mira was finding it difficult to balance the tray of food as she began to fumble with the door to Cullen’s office. The kitchen had given her two pieces of cake which made it just a bit too much food for her to carry easily on the small tray. As she opened the door she saw Cullen in his usual spot with papers scattered all about his desk. He lifted his head and seemed almost surprised to see her.

“It’s dinner time.” She smiled at him. “Don’t tell me you forgot.”

“No, I, well yes I did lose track of time, but it’s not that.”   He grabbed the back of his neck. Here it comes, time for him to beat around the bush. “I was expecting you would want some time alone after everything that happened today.”

“Not everyone wants to be alone.” She looked in his eyes and he looked away. It seemed he was embarrassed.

“I know, I guess it is just a lot to take in, and I assumed you would need some time.” Cullen was standing trying to clear off his desk for her to set the food down.

“This wasn’t a rash decision. Despite what all of you seem to think, this is not the first I heard of this. I sent the letter to them. I knew they would come and confirm.” She let out a sigh when she set the food down. “I understand this seems absurd to some but it was needed.”

“Was it?” Cullen sat back down. He was looking over the food and she saw his eyes settle on the cake. He was excited about it. “I know you are afraid that your ties with the Dalish put us at a disadvantage politically but it hasn’t been an issue, and I’m sure we could have handled it if it did become one.”

“It wasn’t that.” She reached onto the tray and grabbed one of the rolls, ripped it open and put some of the meat onto it. She sat on the edge of his desk and took a bite.

“That was what you had said at the war room.” Cullen tilted his head ever so slightly reminding Mira of a dog.

“I want to enact change.” She adverted her eyes. She was embarrassed. She felt like she didn’t have a right to think like this, but this was her reality. “Real change.”

She set down her food and continued. “There is such inequality among the Dwarves, Elves, Qunari, and Humans. I want to make real changes.  Perhaps the city elves won’t have to live in the slums. The Qunari won’t have to fear for their safety as the walk through Thedas. Dwarves can be seen as more that an armory. Humans won’t fear differences but build upon them.

“I know that it seems like something that is out of reach, but who would have thought that a Dalish would lead an inquisition in the name of the maker to heal the sky.” She paused for a moment and began to rub her hand; the mark was burning slightly as it did when she felt passionately. “To enact changes for all races, I can’t be seen as tied overly to one. How would history look upon the changes knowing that a proprietor of the changes was the leader of a Dalish clan? 

“Everyone will always be questioning my motives. If there is anything that I do that is not seen as correct, or immoral history will see it as a mark against elves. One more reason why they are not worth as much. Look at the city elves they are fighting non-stop. The hero of Ferelden being an alienage helped, but just a few years back they burned Halamshiral’s alienage to the ground. I am the inquisitor for all the people leading an army and if I want to better the lot for my people and elves everywhere history has to see me as the best. We are writing in these moments how the world will treat each other for years to come. My ties to my clan will only draw questions about any progress we make for the elves. It will be one more reason to invalidate the equality among elves, humans, Qunari, and dwarves. I must be seen as independent and not favoring one race above any other.”

She continued to rub her hand looking at the ground. She had her back to him but could hear his footsteps approaching. He touched her shoulder and then hugged her. “You are selfless.” His voice was soft.

She moved back and wiped her eyes. She wasn’t crying but her eyes had gotten a little watery. “I never wanted to be a leader anyways, too much power.” She smiled. They both let out a little laugh before Mira said, “Can we please eat; I want some cake so bad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to BrilliantPurple and CullyWully for the Kudos, as well as any guests that have left Kudos. Thank you for reading!


	14. The Fade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mira is stuck in the fade

The ache in her head woke Mira. Begrudgingly she opened her eyes, but didn’t know where she was. She was laying in some liquid. Was this a swamp? No, the sky was green and she had never seen such gray clouds. There were rock formations all around her and she was completely alone. She struggled to sit up. Placing her hand to her head she found the source of the pain, a long gash that ran over her forehead through her brow into her face. She was lucky she still had her eye. She sat in silence trying to remember what had happened. She was fighting, on the battlements. Had someone attacked Skyhold? No. She was at adamant. They had laid siege, but where was she now and how had she gotten here.

  
As she tried to stand, her left knee gave out. She fell with a splash. She shifted her body to stretch out her knee. She laughed to herself, nothing good ever happens when I wake up without a memory of how I got somewhere. She shook her head rubbing her knee when she saw something move. It moved slowly. It looked like a person. It was Cullen. She could recognize his mantel anywhere. Wherever she was he was with her.

“Cullen!” She rolled to her knees to attempt to stand again, but Cullen kept moving like he didn’t hear her. In his hand was a small bottle, glittering and shining, lyrium. His philter in his other hand. “Cullen, you don’t have to do that, I’m here!”

She saw him get the lyrium ready. “Cullen, NO! You renounced lyrium! You don’t need it. STOP!”  
She was so focused she had stopped moving. The seconds seemed like hours watching him take the lyrium as she sat paralyzed watching. “Cullen!”

She could see his body beginning to grow and slight convulsions of his arms. She had never witnessed such a reaction to lyrium. He was hunching over staring at the ground. No, he hasn’t been taking it for months. What is going on. He turned to her.

“Cullen, please.” Her voice was begging.

Slowly he pulled out his sword and began to step towards her.

“Mira?” She heard Dorian call but she couldn’t take her eyes off Cullen. His dark face moving towards her, sword drawn.

“Mira, what are you doing?” Dorian put his arms on her shoulders when he looked up and saw what she was staring at. He began to pull on her shoulders. “Mira, you have to move. Get up, you have to fight.”

She turned to look at him, horror on her face, but turned back to Cullen. “Cullen, please stop this.”  
Cullen swung his sword around hitting the shield Dorian barely got up in time. “Bull! A little help here!” Dorians voice rang out.

Mira could hear the stomps of Bull through the liquid. His axe was drawn and he was heading straight for Cullen. “NO! Don’t hurt him!” She was screaming, desperate to save him. “Cullen no! STOP!”  
Bull swung and took Cullen’s head off in one swing. She watched it topple to the floor. She fell, sobbing, against Dorian who had bent down next to her. She repeated his name over and over. “You killed Cullen. You killed Cullen.”

“Mira,” Dorian said. “Mira, please, that wasn’t him.”

“Yes, you killed Cullen.” Mira couldn’t bear to look at him, but had no will to move.

“Boss, we’re in the fade.” Bull put his hand on her, covering half of her back. “We are all seeing our worst fear. What you saw as Cullen, we didn’t. It wasn’t him.”

Mira lifted her head, desperately wanting to believe him. “What?”

“We were falling, and you opened a portal to the fade. We all are alive, but are stuck in the fade now.” Dorian stood up and looked down at her. “It seems we are all seeing something different. A hell best tailored to each of us.”

“How do you know?” Mira vaguely remembered falling.

“As a mage, I can assure you this is the fade.” Dorian cracked his cocky smile at her.

She looked around, not wanting to make eye contact with either of them. She couldn’t remember the last time she cried. “So, the fade, and there are things trying to kill us, and I don’t have any real memory of getting here, or what is happening…I feel like this is a repeat of earlier” She let out a little laugh to which the guys smiled. “I’m going to need a moment, I’ll meet you around that bend in a minute.”

Bull patted her back before the two walked away. She looked over at the lyrium strung out Cullen and let out her breath. She knew she feared what lyrium could do to Cullen, but she could never have begun to fathom how heart breaking it truly was.  

She had almost reached Bull and Dorian when she saw something move from the shadows of the Cliffside. It moved stealthy and shifted and Mira recognized it as Cullen. He was pulling his sword out and moving towards Dorian and Bull. She hesitated a moment before she ran towards them. Barely making it in time she caught his sword with her dagger in her right hand. While holding his blade with her right dagger she slashed down with her left. It caught on his shoulder and tore into the flesh along his chest. It moved through the armor as if it wasn’t there. He fell, bleeding on the ground.

  
She could feel Bull and Dorian looking at her but her stomach wretched and the small amount of contents in her stomach were now on the ground. She pushed the back of her fist across her mouth. “Let’s get out of this hell.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mira is on the road again after Adamant.

Mira sat on the edge of the ravine. The sun was rising and he could feel the light against her closed eyelids. The morning breeze chilled her skin. They had been on the road for a few days; they were going to make their way back to Skyhold slowly by stopping along the way to help anyone she could find.

Her mind wandered to the last moment she had seen Cullen. She had hastily written her report on the fade and stepped out from the tent. It hadn’t taken long for her to find him. He was shouting orders to his men, and she could hear his voice. None of the fake Cullen’s had spoken and she had closed her eyes and listened to the sound of his voice. She hadn’t noticed her heart rate quicken and her breath get short until it was too late. Her nerves were taking over. Mira opened her eyes and saw him. He had stopped talking and was staring at her. Their eyes locked for what felt like an eternity, but was in reality nothing more than a few seconds. He turned and walked away with Rylen.

She had waited up for him in her tent. It wasn’t as though she was in any rush to sleep, but her heart yearned for him to come and hold her. She needed someone to tell her it was all right. Once the sun rose she would be the inquisitor again, and she would be responsible for inspiring thousands to continue on. _Nothing can stop the Inquisitor_ , they would say. She would help her teamwork through their thoughts, but for this one moment she could think of herself. So she sat, waiting for Cullen to come so she could lean on someone, and have him help her.

She awoke before the sun rose, in a cold sweat. Her body was shaking from her nightmare. Her breathing was labored as she reminded herself over and over; _I am the inquisitor. I am not in the fade any longer. I am real, and the inquisition is real._

She pulled her pants on, and tucked in her tunic. Cullen hadn’t come. He had left her alone. Part of her wanted to march up to him and confront him, but she didn’t have the strength. She was done. She had to leave.

It had been easy to get Dorian and Bull to both leave, they left behind Cassandra who they all knew had some pressing Inquisition matters to attend to. Her note was brief.

_Left to close rifts_   
_Meet back at Skyhold_   
_Mira_

  
She left it stuck on the map table with a small hand dagger, and before the inquisition had awakened they were gone.

The footsteps she heard brought her back to reality. They were soft so it must be Dorian. She opened her eyes and rose. She looked behind her to see him, a bottle already in hand.

“What are you doing out here?” His voice was clear; he must not be too far into the bottle.

“Just enjoying the morning air.” She tried to smile, but even fake happiness was eluding her. She closed her eyes and leaned into the wind that had picked up. She could feel it pulling out strands of hair from her tie.

“Ah yes, the morning air.” Dorian took a swig from the bottle. “Truly so wonderful you come out every morning to enjoy it.”

Mira let out a little chuckle. In Spite of everything, Dorian still had his sense of humor. “You caught me, it was to escape your smell.”

“If you would put up the money for a hotel for once, then we wouldn’t all smell like swine.” It was his usual argument.

“Then what would you have to complain about.” Mira was looking out over horizon and Dorian shrugged. They stood in silence as the sun continued to rise for several minutes until Mira finally broke it. “Dorian?”

“Yes?”

“How proficient would you say you have become with that time magic?” Her voice was steady but she did not feel like it was.

“Quite proficient. I would say there isn’t much that I haven’t mastered, if anything, although I haven’t tried much in battle”

“So could you perhaps slow time around, let’s say a rock, as it is falling.”

“I suppose I could.” Dorian turned his head.

“Would that keep it from hitting the ground hard? For example, you slow the rock just before it hits, then release it?” Mira didn’t return his glance but continued to look forward.

“I’m not sure. I guess I would have to try.” Dorian focus was intent on Mira.

“Alright, let’s try.” Mira moved over to a large rock on the ground and picked it up and moved over to the ravine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to PatriciaWolf, Kass_Descartez, jannajax for the Kudos. Also to the Guests that have left Kudos.
> 
> I really appreciate that you have enjoyed my story!


	16. Battles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hardest battles are those we face alone. Cullen and Mira finally face eachother after what has happened in adament

Cullen had been speaking with his new knight-commander Aasma when he heard a loud commotion in the lower courtyard.  He walked to the stairs to see The Iron Bull and Dorian fighting with 16 of his soldiers in what Cullen assumed was a training exercise.  The two men were doing incredible.  As soon as Bull would begin to be overwhelmed Dorian would cast a spell sending the soldiers back.  They worked so closely in tandem he could tell this wasn’t the first time they had trained in this manner together.  Cullen was beginning to ponder asking the two men to do a demonstration for a large crowed on team fighting tactics with mages and soldiers when he heard Mira’s voice.

“Dorrrriiiaaan!” Her voice rang through the courtyard.  Cullen looked around trying to spot her but couldn’t find her. He heard Bull still fighting and when he looked at Dorian he saw him looking up. He moved his gaze upward saw her on top of the battlements.  She was running at an alarming rate and then she jumped. 

Cullen’s heart dropped and he began to run forward to where she would be. Every part of his body screamed as he pushed the person in front of him to get out of the way as he saw her body careening through the sky.  Just as she was about to hit the ground she slowed to a near stop. It lasted just a second or two before she fell the last two feet and rolled up with her blades out.  She joined in the training exercise running to where Dorian was. A soldier was closing in on Dorian who anow had the physical appearance of fatigue. Whatever he had casted to stop Mira from hitting the ground was clearly draining. Mira rushed forward and kicked the soldier in the chest sending him back.  Dorian pulled out a small bottle of lyrium and downed it quickly. With Mira now a part of the battle what had been a more equal display of skills had quickly become one sided. It lasted but a few minutes longer providing Cullen enough time to move to the front of the crowd.

Once the last solider had yielded the crowd clapped and Cullen rushed over to Mira.  There were a few civilians surrounding but Cullen cut through.  He grabbed her arm with a firm grip and said to the crowd, “Pardon me but I must borrow the inquisitor right away.  We have important matters to discuss.”

Cullen pulled on her arm and Mira followed with a mixture of concern and annoyance on her face.  He could feel his anger rising, and while his mind told him to loosen his grip, his emotions wouldn’t let him. He led her into a room off of the kitchen and stopped.  

“Cullen, what is it?  Did we lose soldiers?” She pulled her arm hard to break out of his grip.

“It’s you.”  Cullen was far passed annoyed and was doing nothing to mask it in his voice.

 “Me?” Mira’s own annoyance was apparent.  She looked appalled and was speaking more like she was accusing Cullen of something. “What have I done?”

 "Hurling yourself off the battlements like that?  What on earth could you be thinking?”

“I was thinking that Dorian and I have been working on tactical uses of time magic and we should test him being able to stop me from hitting the ground.” Mira responded curtly.

“In the middle of fighting?”

“Can you think of a better demonstration of whether or not he will be able to gain the proper focus in a battle to preform time magic?” Mira sounded exhausted.

“It was foolish.  You could have killed yourself.”  Cullen was furious with her.  “Do you know what that would have meant to…to the inquisition.” 

“The inquisition! Are you joking?  I don’t care!”  Mira was yelling now and the words cut Cullen to the core. All his anger from before was silent and he felt his breath catching in his chest. The Mira he knew would never have said anything close to that.  “Do you think the Inquisition cares about me?  All they care about, all anyone cares about is this damn mark.”

“Mira, you know that’s not true.”  Cullen’s voice had softened.

“Oh its not? Then why is everyone avoiding me? Then why haven’t you talked to me since Adamant?  You’re right you care, but only as long as the mark is still here, only as long as I am still able to fight. I’m still able to move and close rifts so you can go back to your damn reports.” 

“Mira?”

Cullen began to reach for her but she moved her right hand to knock his hands away and a blast of energy came rushing out of her marked hand. Cullen’s feet were knocked out from under him and his back slammed into the wall. His hand moved to his side that instantly began to ache only to feel warmth. He could feel the tears in his tunic that he was sure was singed as was, but he didn’t think it did much more than that. He looked up to see tears streaming from her face. He opened his mouth but she ran out of the room before he could say anything.

She had been right.  He had been avoiding her.  Cullen wanted to talk to her but was at a loss of what to say.  He had only become more apprehensive about what to say after reading her report of what happened in the fade. In the end he avoided her, and then began to be ashamed that he was doing so leading to him avoid her even further. It was wrong and he knew it, but he was terrified of making it worse for her. 

 

\---***---

 

Cullen sat in his office throughout the afternoon staring at documents not really reading anything unable to focus.  Her words had cut him to the core.  He had been avoiding her.  He had read her report every night since Adament trying to find a way that he could help her but there was nothing.  It became apparent what he needed to do, Dorian, her closest friend would have some more information.

When Cullen walked into the tavern he saw Dorian right away sitting at a table with the Iron Bull.  Cullen moved to the bar and ordered a round of drinks and moved over towards their table.

“Commander?”  Dorian’s voice called to him once Cullen was in ear shot.

“Dorian. Bull.” Cullen nodded his head towards them as he set down a drink in front of them before taking a seat at the table with his own drink.  Cullen took a big swig from his mug.

“Best be careful, else everyone might start to think you relax sometimes.”  Bull said as he let out a hearty laugh and Dorian joined in.

Cullen coughed through his drink from the slap on his back.  Bull truly did not know his own strength. He set his drink down and asked, “Why does everyone say that?” To which Bull laughed harder.

“Don’t stress, part of the appeal of the strapping young Templar is how tightly wound you are.”  Dorian lifted his own drink to his lips.  Cullen began to blush.  “Oh Bull look he is red and I haven’t even said _anything_ yet.”

The two laughed.  Cullen began to second-guess himself on coming to talk to them and was contemplating leaving when he thought back to the tears rolling down Mira’s face.  “I need to ask you both some questions, about Mira” The both looked at him inquisitively, but their smiles left at the mention of the inquisitor. The silence was heavy around the table.   “I know you both are close with her, and I was wondering if you could tell me what is going on with her.” 

“She is fighting a war.” Dorian’s voice sounded harsh, and he lifted his drink to his mouth again.

When the silence lingered, and it was clear neither of the two were going to volunteer the information he needed he continued on. “Well, could you shed some light as to why she threw herself off of the battlements today?  When did that start?”  Cullen kept his voice steady, ignoring the hostility from Dorian.

“Three days after Adament was the first time Boss attempted the maneuver.  She first spoke with Dorian about the idea though.”  Bull looked at Dorian.

“One of the first mornings waking up on the road back from Adament I found Mira standing on a cliff overlooking a ravine leaning into the wind.”  Dorian paused and looked at his drink.  “She then asked if I could stop a rock from hitting the bottom of the ravine.  I said potentially and she shoved the rock off the edge.  When it worked she told me that I couldn’t touch the bottle again because she needed me in the right mind to try it again with something bigger.

“The next morning we went to an overhang by lake.  She told me that I needed to stop her from hitting the water hard.  I managed to do it, and we kept practicing from there.  And dividing my attention to see if I would be able to do it in battle.”  Dorian swirled his drink around.

“Why?  The risk of you not being able to complete the spell is so high.”  Cullen could feel his blood pressure rise again at the thought of how careless Mira was being. The fear he had felt watching her body fall through the sky.

“She never directly said, but we think that she believes that this could have prevented us from falling into the fade.” Bull took another big drink.

“Is she that afraid of going back in there?”  The words sounded harsh even to him. Cullen had thought she was being reckless cause she felt invincible not because she was scared. 

“We all are.”  Bull held Cullen’s gaze pinning him to his spot.

“She has faced down things much worse than spiders.”  Cullen was thinking to her report, it hadn’t sounded as bad as Bull’s reaction implied it was.

“Spiders?” Dorian looked to Bull confusion on both of their faces.  “Is that what she said she saw in the fade?”

“Yes, her report was very detailed.”  It was then Cullen realized what was going on.  “You weren’t fighting spiders in the fade?”

“Each of us saw our worst fear.” Dorian looked down.  “Each of us saw something different.”

“Do you know what she saw?”  Cullen felt a need grow inside him.  What was Mira’s biggest fear?

“It isn’t our place to say what we think Boss saw.”  Bull finished his drink and stood.  “I will say, what she saw definitely weren’t spiders.”

With that the two walked out of the tavern leaving Cullen in a whirlwind of thoughts.  Whatever she saw has her to the edge and no one has tried to bring her back.  Cullen needed to do something to help her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the guests who have left Kudos! Also thank you for the comment Madd! 
> 
> I really appreciate all those who take time to let me know you are enjoying the story so far.


	17. Show All Your Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mira goes to play cards with her Inquisition family. Afterwards she returns Cullen's armor to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note there is explicit material in this chapter. If you do not wish to read it please skip when you see **********---**********
> 
> I have edited the first 4 chapters. If you have not read them since 8/18/18 please go back to read them as they hav improved since their initial posting. I'm hoping to edit a few other chapters still and will post in the notes of the chapters once they are updated, as well leave notes in the newest chapter.

Mira was walking through the main hall when Varric approached. “There you are.”

“Here I am.” Mira responded. She sounded more curt than she had wanted, but this was the first time in a week the dwarf, who use to talk to her at least every other night, had spoken to her. It felt as though something was blocking her heart from the joys she used to feel.

“You’re harder to find than you think, you know.” Varric continued as if reading her mind, but it all felt like a bad excuse to Mira. “You run all over Skyhold, chasing people down, then most nights you don’t even return to your quarters. I’ve been looking for you for an hour now. I’m sure everyone is waiting for us by now.”

“Everyone is waiting?” Mira was thoroughly confused, but did see his point. She hadn’t slept in her quarters the last four nights; she couldn’t stand to be alone. She had slept in the stabled two nights and the other nights slept with the hunting dogs.  

“Yes now come.” Varric turned and began to walk away. Mira followed him closely and they entered a room and she saw all of her inner circle seated at a long table, drinks in their hands and Josephine was shuffling cards.

“Name of the game is Wicked Grace.” Josephine called out as Mira took her seat next to her across from Cullen.

The stories began as Josephine dealt and the alcohol began to flow. Before Mira knew it Cullen was stripped down and motioning at her to look away so he could make a mad dash out of the room. After he was out and people began to disperse Mira approached Varric.

“Thank you, Varric.”  Mira was unsure if it was the alcohol, or just feeling like not everyone was waiting for her to loose her mind, but she felt better than she had earlier.  “I needed this.” 

“You’re welcome shadow.” Mira smiled at the use of her nickname. “It was Curly’s idea, I just implemented.”

“Thank you,” She reiterated to Varric before she walked out. 

\---***---

Cullen was pulling on a pair of linen breaches when he heard one of the doors to his office open.  He wasn’t in the mood for work after having lost all his clothes.  “Any reports can wait for morning.” 

“What about fulfilling requisitions for armor?”  He immediately recognized Mira’s voice, and she was in a good mood.

“You got it back!”  He was thrilled.   He had expected that Josephine would return his armor, but Mira bringing it to him almost made it worth losing.  He was so excited he climbed down the ladder before he realized he still hadn’t put a shirt on.  Mira was unabashedly staring at his chest. He could feel his cheeks flush and his hand shot to the back of his neck. 

“I don’t know if I want to give it back now.”  Mira responded.  She wasn’t just in a good mood; she was back to the Mira she was before the fade.

“Well then what do you want?”  Cullen attempted to sound as sultry as possible. Cullen moved over to her so the armor in her arms was the only thing between them.  His heart was pounding but he was determined to make up the distance between them he had caused.

“Cullen,” Mira began to let the armor fall around her. “Do you have to ask?”

 

**********---**********

That was all he needed and he closed the gap between them and was holding her face kissing her fiercely.  She was kissing him back.  She pulled him closer to her by putting her hands around his neck.  Cullen’s hands moved down to her ass and squeezed. She brought her hips closer and raised up her leg.  Cullen pulled her leg up and her other leg followed wrapping around his waste.  His erection rubbing through his soft linen pants on her sex. He stepped forward and her back hit the wall. Mira let out a moan and their mouths separated as their breath came heavy. Cullen began to kiss her neck biting it gently as she threw her head back and let out another moan. Mira moved her hands down from his neck and began to fidget with something so Cullen put her legs down. She was fumbling with her belt her deft hands working quickly to remove it. Cullen was watching her when he thought of the doors and moved to lock them. _Was he being too presumptuous by locking the doors?_

He turned back around and any fears were gone as she had removed her belt and weapons and was onto her light leather coat. He moved over and put his hands inside her now unbuttoned coat and felt her body through the light linen tunic and pushed her coat onto the floor. She stepped back and bumped into his desk knocking over his bottle of ink onto the floor. She let out a light gasp.   Cullen grinned, and pushed the rest of the documents on his desk off. Mira stood gapping at him, she had always understood his weird organizational pattern as she had a similar one. The amount of work he had created was not only substantial but one she knew he hated doing. Cullen didn’t care; all he wanted was Mira.

He moved into her space and began to kiss her as she leaned onto his desk. Mira grabbed her shirt and pulled it off. Cullen moved his hands around her chest stopping right below her breast band using his finger to outline the bottom of her breast. Cullen moved his hand atop her breast band squeezing her breast and she let out a moan. He pulled at the knot out of the back of her breast band until it gave way and let it fall to the side. Mira sighed and Cullen took her in, her soft supple skin, her light pink nipples graceful atop her small breasts. She reached for the strings of her pants but he wrapped one hand around her waste and the other went to her right breast. He squeezed it harder than before and Mira let out a deeper groan of pleasure. He began to loosen his squeeze and pinched her nipple hard right before letting go. Mira threw her head back gasping in pleasure. Cullen moved his hands to the laces of her pants as he moved in to kiss and nip at her neck.   He pulled her pants as she maneuvered her weight on his desk so they came off. Cullen’s heart was racing. She was down to her smalls sitting on his desk.  This was something out of his fantasies.

Cullen shifted his hips while they were grinding against her. As if she knew that Cullen was beginning to feel uncomfortable from his enlarged member Mira began to unlace his pants. She shifted off of his desk and pulled his pants down. His stiff member sprung free. Mira stroked his thighs letting her fingers barely graze his member before taking him into her mouth. He groaned and felt his legs growing limp. After a few moments of her warm mouth he couldn’t take anymore if he wanted to do anything else with her so he pulled her up and kissed her grabbing the back of her head. He could taste himself on her lips. He tugged at her hair and she groaned into his mouth. He moved her back all the while kissing her so she was on the desk again. He lowered her back to the desk and moved one hand to her breast and the other hand into her smalls. She was dripping wet. He explored her and stroked her. Her groan vibrated in his mouth as he stuck a finger inside her followed by another. She arched her back and let out a cry of pleasure. He pulled them in out and she cried again. Her breasts were bouncing with every movement and he couldn’t wait anymore. He needed to have her. He needed to be inside her. He pulled her smalls and the fabric ripped all too easily, coming off of her.

He pulled her hips to the edge of the desk and entered her. She bit her lip but a cry still escaped. He reached and grabbed her breast again and twisted her nipple. He saw her begin to grip the sides of his desk as she breathed heavily, pleasure across her face. He began to stroke her sex as he began to thrust faster. Her moans were getting faster and faster and it just was pushing him closer to the brink. Continuing to stroke her dampness he reached forward and grabbed her breast again and she cried out. “Oh Maker. Oh Cullen,” She arched her back and he could feel her clenching around his staff. She was mid orgasm. That was all he needed to send him over the edge.   She could feel his release inside her and her body quivered as he finished with a few lasts thrusts.

**********---**********

He pulled out of her and slid next to her on his desk. Cullen wrapped his arms around her pulling her close to his chest. He was gasping and could feel her heart pounding. “Cullen,” Mira’s voice came out a whisper.

“Yes,” He squeezed her tight.

“That was,” She paused as she continued to pant. “Wow.”

“That was what I was going for.” The two joined in a fit of giggles. They laid on his desk together for a long time before Mira shifted her legs and swung them over the edge of his desk and sat up. He rubbed her back. “Don’t go.”

She turned her head back to him. “What?”

“Stay with me tonight.” He was feeling so vulnerable and scared of ruining something special if he let her go.   He needed her to stay.

“Cullen…” Her voice had changed. She was back to how she had been before, distant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to RaraZoar, Czarinakristi, AbyssalSpark for the Kudos.
> 
> Also if you didn't see above the first 4 chapters have been edited. They are a lot better, so if you have not read them since 8/18/18 I would suggest giving them another try.


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